Jesse Jake

I’ve always adored reading Nirrimi’s blog, from the start, from before Alba existed. Coincidentally, Alba was my name for Jesse before I was even aware that a) he was a boy and b) she would be my soul child on the other side of the ocean. It sounds ridiculous, but in so many ways Nirrimi and I have travelled the same journey without ever knowing each other. Our children are similar ages, we both have created new families, and so much of what she writes makes me feel something in a way no other writing can.

This, from her latest post, has just resonated with me so much.

“There’s a saying that a child is your heart outside of your body and I feel that very literally. Like she is a vital organ that has been removed from me and somehow I am still functioning, so long as she is.”

It’s so true. And you can’t possibly explain that to another human that hasn’t created a child. I couldn’t explain it to the me that existed before Jesse was born. I was so cocky, so confident that I would have it all ‘down’. We’d travel and I would throw him on my back and he would be calm and peaceful because I consciously worked on being that way for him.

In truth, it doesn’t work like that. He’s his own human. He, especially, has his own ideas about what is right and wrong. What he wants and does not. What he will do, and what he will not. All I can do is cherish that because to fight it is to take something away from him and in turn, something away from me.

I’m re-reading posts which I wrote before he arrived. So much has changed and yet so little has. I still don’t ever feel like I have a fucking clue what I’m doing. Although I did used to write a little better way back when… Check this one out.

What has changed about you since becoming a parent?

Making more of an effort to write more… 

Claudia xo