This isn’t going to be one of those blogs about how amazing the year was and how I savoured every moment, because I didn’t.
In April, Jesse was born. Everybody tells you before you have a child that the experience can’t be articulated and with ego in mind you half scoff and half roll your eyes and yet die a little inside with the fear of uncertainty. At least I did.
And it’s true. It really can’t be articulated. It has been the most joyous thing to experience him giggling for the first time, the most freeing to realise that he will figure things out on his own, the most exhilarating thing to know I always have a brand new best friend if I create it that way and yet… it breaks my heart every single day when I realise that sometime I won’t be here to hug him, it’s sent shivers down my back as I realise he can get hurt, the fear of what makes a great parent has almost paralysed me.
It’s made me doubt my career, my relationship, my life. He’s also held all of those things together. The pressure I already put him under is immense and constantly plays on my mind.
You may remember that I once blogged about how I never saw myself as someone’s mum. How I wasn’t sure what that term would mean to me. Having come nearly nine months out of the other side of it, I can safely say it makes me prouder than any other one thing.
I am incredibly grateful that I’ve been able to work this year and retain some of what makes me (almost) as proud as the above. I’ve been to Scotland, Norway and New York. I’ve bought and renovated a house. I’ve lost and gained (I don’t like December) weight. I’ve found my new perfect skin regime. I’ve dealt with things that were on my mind. I’ve had a weeks holiday in Wales. I’ve driven around 15,000 miles. I’ve created a year I am proud of.
Here is a summary of this year through my photography. Thank you 2014 and here is to 2015.